Raise your objections – I mean glasses – and toast planning applications gone by with the traditional song All Land’s Mine.* 

I am a major landowner,
Yes all this land is mine.
I own half of this town and now,
I’m dreaming of pound signs.

CHORUS:
For all land’s mine, my dear,
Yes, all the land is mine,
I shall have my design my dear,
For all land’s mine.

I am a brilliant architect,
It’s at last my time to shine.
I’ve landed this important client,
now I shall have my design.

CHORUS

I am a planning officer, 
If you want my endorsement,
don’t beat your breast, pitched roofs are best,
to guarantee consent.

CHORUS

I engage the community,
I love a questionnaire.
For equal opportunity,
is my duty of care.

CHORUS

I am a local resident,
this plan’s too avant garde.
Yes, everyone I represent,
Says not in my backyard.

CHORUS

I am an endangered species, 
and my family lives on site.
You cannot cut down all these trees, 
you’ll extinguish us outright.

CHORUS

I’m funding two per cent of this,
I should have the final say.
My money’s worth ten times his,
so build it yesterday.

CHORUS

I am a wily journalist, 
I see tensions running high.
I’m positive, if I persist, 
I’ll catch someone in a lie.

CHORUS

I am a local councillor
I might grant, I might decline.
I’m not much of a gambler,
I’ll just vote on party lines.

CHORUS

I chair the local planning committee,
I’m fed up and bemused.
You’re all a bunch of nincompoops,
Your planning is refused. 

 

*Sung to the tune of Auld Lang Syne

Maria Smith is a director at Studio Weave