PIP sounds out the latest in acoustics products
I highly approve of Rockfon’s Tron-inspired ceiling at Rawlins Academy College, Leicestershire, where the fitness studio’s been designed for better acoustics to aid students’ human interactions in larger spaces. Although their high-tech look could pander to youngsters’ inability to differentiate between virtual and real – I mean, they’re already combing the countryside for pretend animals. Perhaps being forced to watch Hunger Games, Transformers and Tomb Raider on repeat could coax them back into the real world…on second thoughts, maybe they’ve got the right idea.
Silent dB-20 pipework
In a secret bunker, Whitehall mandarin scientists are working on the Brexit roll-back lever, hoping to reverse the referendum result without incurring the wrath of the Post-Industrial Hordes of Barking and The North. Work is still at an early stage, with initial trials accidentally putting the UK in the North-American Free Trade Agreement for about 16 seconds. That is when this Geberit engineer, specialising in sound insulation (waste pipe division) was brought in to help ensure information (as well as effluent) flows would be made so quietly that it wouldn’t need to be hushed up at all.
Another post-Brexit benefit: pop-up restaurants, like this NOMA in Barangaroo, Australia. Surely a world where the very foundations of society – trust in expertise – are compromised is not one in which disposable fine-dining can continue to be a thing? How is that concept possible? But with that will go all the satire about the latest ridiculous trend, which seems to be the only thing humourists can turn their hands to. Thank God then for Troldtekt’s acoustic ceiling, which helps temper noisy diners’ incessant yammering about jus.
Thermatex Acoustic planks
I am really trying to get a sense of perspective, here in Newcastle’s Jesmond apartments, but I’m all bent out of shape. There is so much to take in, I can’t do it all at once. My view is getting seriously out of line. Everything is closing in where it should be opening up. Maybe I am looking at things the wrong way, and my overview is undone? Perhaps Stephen Hawking would put this corridor perspective down to folds in the space/time continuum. Either way, with Knauf’s Thermatex ceiling planks, in this space no one can hear you scream.
Whether or not legendary Leeds band the Kaiser Chiefs tickles your ear buds, sturdy acoustics are a must for wild living rockers. Think Jesus and Mary Chain, the Who, and the naughty Beach Boys keeping the neighbours up all hours. Here, Ricky Wilson is putting CMS Danskin’s panels through their paces, unusually static as he rolls out the band’s latest hit, presumably before a serious night on the tiles. Alas, according to NME, he prefers to relax watching actor John Nettles, who he’s painted often, in oils. ‘I imagine Midsomer Murders is much like heroin,’ he mused.
We’re back in the post Brexit world of separation, separation, separation: now office managers are rediscovering the Thatcherite maxim of no such thing as society. These soundproof booths from Framery will usefully cut out the hours employees waste discussing the footie or footsie they enjoyed last night – or grumbling about the management. And with users able to customise their capsule, trips to the tea point (another gossip spot) won’t be needed. With a duct you could probably even vape in them. Singing or smoking, even fewer reasons for Elvis to leave the building.
The most fearsome challenge of the Mornington Crescent edition of the Mensa test, the simple question attached to this image is: When the picture is divided down the centre, can you spot the critical differences between the two sides of the perfectly symmetrical view? (Hint: it’s not the control room or fuschia panel, obvs – this is Mensa!) The select few that answer correctly receive a full fit out of StoSilent Direct for a room of their choosing, to insulate effectively against noise with a pristine finish, enabling them to hone their brain power in peace to ever greater levels.
So I got out my Kylie Jenner lip kit and Gemma Collins hug-me-where-it-matters spanx and I asked him, all husky-like, to take me down the local arty gastropub ’cos I knew they’d done it up and put in acoustic baffles styled in Bridget Riley’s cappucino period to keep the mood subtle – ’cos subtle’s essential when you’re pulling – and it was all candlelight and prosecco and I thought, I’m in there, til people arrived chewing each other’s ears off about van Gogh, but you know what, despite their racket I heard him say those three little words loud and clear: Soundtect acoustic baffles.