Ceilings, partitions, floors and worktops
Custom metal ceilings
PC Gone-Mad: ‘Where were you the afternoon of the 12th?’. Lawyer: ‘My client refuses to answer any questions under these conditions.’ PC World: ‘Unfortunately, sir, government cuts mean that we have been forced to conduct the interview in The Yard’s staff cafe.’ Lawyer: ‘That is simply not acceptable. What if he is overheard?’ PC Gone-Mad: ‘Unlikely. This metal ceiling performs up to sound absorption Class A, sir. Give it a try!’ Suspect: ‘*yodelayheehoo!*’. Lawyer: ‘That yodel is inadmissible.’
I had put up with her saying ‘OK, Google’ to the kitchen worktop then having endless discussions with Spotify about the exact Chris de Burgh song she wanted it to play. I remained sanguine when she stood on my cat while exploring ‘Antarctica’ with her iPhone strapped to her head. But the drone in the kitchen was the last straw, and once I’ve drained the wine from my Sensa by Cosentino worktop, I and my voodoo doll are outta here.
Heradesign and Thermatex ceilings
Why do I see this peaceful infant school scene and just hear noise in my head? Looks like four classrooms and pegs for at least 50 young souls – incessant din. Floral rucksacks, teeny tiny paintbrushes, a playground, miniature lockers at floor level, a neon coat: never-ceasing, raised, echoic, treble screech. Still, Knauf’s Heradesign and Thermatex acoustic ceilings will take some of the edge off the racket resulting from bringing together the nursery, primary and community parts of a local school. I am keeping the Solpadeine handy, mind.
Skyfold vertical partitions
‘Safe Space’ is a new game for universities. Rules: One after the other, two teams of students line up against Style’s Skyfold vertical-rising acoustic partition wall and, letter by letter, each participant reveals the mixed-up name of a historical figure about to deliver an imaginary lecture. The opposing team has to shout ‘no platform!’ as soon as they suspect the deceased persona held abhorrent views – directly or by association. But, beware! If your dead celeb is progressive, you lose a point. Tenured academics adjudicate from the balcony.